Paradise from Fire...

(originally published in 2007)

I found a post recently from a blogger that I've been reading off and on for over a year.

He posted this:

"Passion"

You can’t have passion

without having hope.

When you have passion,

you no longer fear.


While I agree with his statements above- I have some questions...
and I had a vision.
I'll start with the vision.

I saw a volcano.
Liquid fire gushed up through the top and spilled over the sides of the mountain...burning, rolling, inching it's way towards the water below.

The lava was beautiful, powerful and intense.
Absolutely nothing could stand in it's way. It consumed everything in it's path.
Plants vaporized from the heat long before the lava got close to them. The whole landscape of the mountain was altered.

As it moved it's color changed. Slowly it lost it's bright red intensity as it started to cool. Eventually it turned into what looked like black stone...barren and porous.

What had been a vibrant, hot, moving, molten mass of melted earthly innards was now something completely different. It had become rock hard- black- and very sturdy.

What if passion is like lava?

What if, over time, passion completely changes it's form and function?
What if- what you experienced early on in your relationship is unreasonable to expect later on?

What if you are unprepared for the truth of that transformation?

What if you keep expecting the red hot stuff, but only find black rocks everywhere?
Did anyone tell you this would happen?
Didn't you see it your parents marriage? Or did you chalk it up to apathy, or old age, or not pay any heed to it?

The passion couples have for each other is not always like it was in the beginning...sometimes not even close. However, the poem above makes a profound statement...
"When you have passion, you no longer fear"-

No fear of being alone.
No fear of rejection- (at least in a healthy relationship.)

Passion becomes one of two things, as I see it. It either burns up and burns out, or it transforms into something solid- something you can build a relationship on.

It's interesting to think of liquid fire becoming stone and then supporting life. It does not seem possible, and yet-- look at Hawaii. A whole chain of islands created by volcanic activity- now lush and green and full of living things.

What is better? The burning hot lava- red and fiery- and a wonder to behold? Or the stunning plant and animal life that's taken over every square inch of the islands?

It's difficult to comprehend in the lava stage that things are going to change so very, very much.

And hard to imagine, when standing in Paradise, all of the beauty we behold started with an explosion and fire.

This is where I find myself in this phase of my life.
Missing what was and stunned by what is.

It is breath-taking and gorgeous...

And not at all what I expected.

Treasured

In a moment of need,
I held him as he wept,
I kept his tears as if they were treasure.
I saw his brokenness, I felt his grief.
His wounds have scars, but the blood still flows.

Murder, death, loss, regret, honor, strength, orders followed.
Betrayal, humiliation, meditation, endurance, zen...then freedom.

Freedom to fall. Fall. Fall.

A new season of brokenness begins, as does a time of mending.
A season of dependency, and of growth- perhaps like no other.
Then an era of love.

Still tied by strands to things of the past. Some bonds are more easily broken than others. The hardest to let go of- run deep.
Abandonment, insecurity, hunger pains.
No fear of the dark, Armor, weapons, tactical skills, discernment, hands off.
All tools to keep fools and pain at bay.

Yet- I wrap myself around him.
I need him when he is cold. I ache when he is hungry and alone. I grasp his closed hand and rub the muscles which carried weapons, changed lives, and tended to the wounded. His wounds have waited long enough.

The future swirls before us. Nothing is clear except the Need.
The Need to be loved and accepted with our broken hearts, and broken bones.
The Need to be known as we are, with the blood, the unborn, and the darkness which surrounds us to be washed away, uncovered, and illuminated.
The Need to look into the eyes of another and find no judgement.
A Need to be treasured and held dear.

And You are beloved friend,

You are.

-CRB/1.12.11

Jan 21, 2010

I'm foolish, I'm lost,
Running into slippery corners-
Bouncing off hard surfaces.
Coming up empty handed,
And covered in bruises.

My body physically aches,
As does my heart-
My brain has sloshed one too many times
to and fro
against the bone walls which contain it.

I once knew me-
I Barely recognize me now.
A woman once so grounded,
Now flutters like a tattered butterfly-
Grief can do this.

How did I end up here?
With this hole in my soul-
Ragged, hot, seared...
like a bullet wound
Through the ethereal fabric of my Spirit.

There must be a way-
To patch my heart.
There must be a thread,
Light, yet strong enough for the task...
Perhaps a silken strand from a spider?

Love is not for the weak-
Because where there is love,
Grief will follow-
for Grief is a love word...
It is the sum of everything dear to the heart- lying in a grave at one's feet.

I find no rest in the cemetary.
I find no peace in the silence.
I find no joy in what I've lost.
I find no relief in what I've learned.
I feel the fierce cold of longing.

Missing you is bigger than me.
Moving forward is akin to changing the oceans natural tide.
I need the power and pull of the moon-
Let it lift me, as I once lifted you-
To a place of beauty and understanding, and determination to LIVE fully.

And to never give up.
And to never give up.
Never give up

I miss you friend~

My Political Views
I am a right social moderate
Right: 3.58, Authoritarian: 0.2

Political Spectrum Quiz

"Exploring"

Life,

Loss,

Love,

Death,

Changes big and small-

-

Living,

Breathing,

Just existing-

I question...

-

"Is this all?"

-

Hello,

Goodbye,

Time flies by-

I stumble, slip,

I fall.

-

Bruised and bloodied I'll rise again,

but first I have to crawl.

-

Passionate heat,

Flames compete,

Oxygen consumed.

-

The fire's hot,

It's got to stop-

But only when it's through.

Burned everything in view,

-

Everything--- but you.

-

Walk beside me,

I'll let you guide me-

Hold my hands, my heart.

-

Laughing,

Loving,

Living,

Breathing-

-

Doing more "than just existing"-

My life...

Exploring every part.

Simply Amazing~

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By Steven Reinberg, HealthDay Reporter

I'm not sure how many times in your life you've been told that something was impossible- or couldn't be done. I know as I've gotten older I've seen 1 of 2 things happen- either we accept another person's opinion about a situation, or we press on if we feel strongly enough to determine for ourselves what a particular outcome can or will be.

Ultimately- "we"...you and I decide a path and we follow it.
A good friend once sent me a video of Jim Valvano and his "Never give up" speech- and to this day I am moved to tears when I watch the whole thing.

Miracles happen every day. People overcome odds and adversity every hour. Yesterday I read a story about a young man with a head injury who was pronounced "brain dead"- and moments before his organs were harvested it was discovered that he was very much alive.
He actually heard the Dr. say "This patient is brain dead."!!!

Some people, a few of them well intentioned, make it their duty to tell people what can and can not be done. It's ok to be told "That's impossible" if that statement is the catalyst that pushes you to run a little harder, or ask deeper questions, or to press the powers that be to try once more- or to try something different.

At least one woman is alive today because she wouldn't give up, a 63 year old patient in Florida with a death sentence has beaten the odds and in her own words, she said- "I have a whole life ahead of me."

Amen sister- that you do. Thanks for the inspiration you have given to me...in so many areas of my life. I've got a whole life ahead of me too :)

Benazir Bhutto knew- EVERY time she went out into the public square she was a target. Her supporters knew this too and by showing up for her public events they might also be a target.

"Islamic clerics tried to get a court to bar her from running in elections. She was a bad Muslim, they said.
"Anyone who supports the Pakistan People's Party will not enter heaven," a Muslim cleric in Lahore, Abdul Qadir, told a Friday prayer congregation ahead of the October 1990 elections. "
Of course she was a "Bad Muslim"- all of her early education was done in Roman Catholic schools with names like, " Lady Jennings Nursery School" and then the Convent of Jesus and Mary in Karachi.[2] After two years of schooling at the Rawalpindi Presentation Convent, she was sent to the Jesus and Mary Convent at Murree.

I'm not saying Benazir was a Christian, but she defintiely didn't go to a Muslim school as a child.
Could that be because there was no such place for a little girl to go back in the stone ages of Pakistan? Might it be the only institution that would cater to teaching (worthless?) little girls was that of the Christian faith? Surely, in her early years, she was somewhat shaped by a religion of grace and forgiveness; and a belief system shared by many of the founding fathers of our country, a place of democracy. Unlike the most of the Muslim leaders in the middle east who see women as merely property...or less. (one islamic document I read referred to women simply as f*ckable C*nts )

Not much has changed I'm afraid...seems Pakistan is still in the stone ages, except where technology and nuclear weapons are concerend.

Here's my point though- back to the beginning of the post- Benazir knew she was a target...every day, in every public situation- she knew her life was at risk. Her father was killed, as well as 2 brothers. She was painfully aware that her stabs at democracy would most likely shorten her life- and she was right.

My question to the American people is this- "Are you aware that WE are a target too?" The same democracy Bhutto struggled to bring to her country is the same stuff we piddle away everyday. Everything from not paying attention to how much of your paycheck is eaten up in taxes, to not voting...weakens our country. We are too easily distracted...we long for it actually- (what else explains Paris Hilton?) and too comfortable to get our feathers ruffled over the idea that the next ring of gunshots- or bombs going off....might just be aimed at us.

Benazir knew a laser sight was always locked on her heart and her head.
Don't ignore the red beam when you see it pointed in our direction. And don't tell me that no body warned you...
We are a target too, and getting bigger every day.