Jan 21, 2010

I'm foolish, I'm lost,
Running into slippery corners-
Bouncing off hard surfaces.
Coming up empty handed,
And covered in bruises.

My body physically aches,
As does my heart-
My brain has sloshed one too many times
to and fro
against the bone walls which contain it.

I once knew me-
I Barely recognize me now.
A woman once so grounded,
Now flutters like a tattered butterfly-
Grief can do this.

How did I end up here?
With this hole in my soul-
Ragged, hot, seared...
like a bullet wound
Through the ethereal fabric of my Spirit.

There must be a way-
To patch my heart.
There must be a thread,
Light, yet strong enough for the task...
Perhaps a silken strand from a spider?

Love is not for the weak-
Because where there is love,
Grief will follow-
for Grief is a love word...
It is the sum of everything dear to the heart- lying in a grave at one's feet.

I find no rest in the cemetary.
I find no peace in the silence.
I find no joy in what I've lost.
I find no relief in what I've learned.
I feel the fierce cold of longing.

Missing you is bigger than me.
Moving forward is akin to changing the oceans natural tide.
I need the power and pull of the moon-
Let it lift me, as I once lifted you-
To a place of beauty and understanding, and determination to LIVE fully.

And to never give up.
And to never give up.
Never give up

I miss you friend~

My Political Views
I am a right social moderate
Right: 3.58, Authoritarian: 0.2

Political Spectrum Quiz

"Exploring"

Life,

Loss,

Love,

Death,

Changes big and small-

-

Living,

Breathing,

Just existing-

I question...

-

"Is this all?"

-

Hello,

Goodbye,

Time flies by-

I stumble, slip,

I fall.

-

Bruised and bloodied I'll rise again,

but first I have to crawl.

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Passionate heat,

Flames compete,

Oxygen consumed.

-

The fire's hot,

It's got to stop-

But only when it's through.

Burned everything in view,

-

Everything--- but you.

-

Walk beside me,

I'll let you guide me-

Hold my hands, my heart.

-

Laughing,

Loving,

Living,

Breathing-

-

Doing more "than just existing"-

My life...

Exploring every part.

Simply Amazing~

1=31036">http://health.msn.com/health-topics/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100198903>1=31036

Woman's Abdominal Organs Removed in Unique Cancer Surgery
Taking out stomach, pancreas, liver, spleen, small intestine and large intestine led to lifesaving operation
By Steven Reinberg, HealthDay Reporter

I'm not sure how many times in your life you've been told that something was impossible- or couldn't be done. I know as I've gotten older I've seen 1 of 2 things happen- either we accept another person's opinion about a situation, or we press on if we feel strongly enough to determine for ourselves what a particular outcome can or will be.

Ultimately- "we"...you and I decide a path and we follow it.
A good friend once sent me a video of Jim Valvano and his "Never give up" speech- and to this day I am moved to tears when I watch the whole thing.

Miracles happen every day. People overcome odds and adversity every hour. Yesterday I read a story about a young man with a head injury who was pronounced "brain dead"- and moments before his organs were harvested it was discovered that he was very much alive.
He actually heard the Dr. say "This patient is brain dead."!!!

Some people, a few of them well intentioned, make it their duty to tell people what can and can not be done. It's ok to be told "That's impossible" if that statement is the catalyst that pushes you to run a little harder, or ask deeper questions, or to press the powers that be to try once more- or to try something different.

At least one woman is alive today because she wouldn't give up, a 63 year old patient in Florida with a death sentence has beaten the odds and in her own words, she said- "I have a whole life ahead of me."

Amen sister- that you do. Thanks for the inspiration you have given to me...in so many areas of my life. I've got a whole life ahead of me too :)

Benazir Bhutto knew- EVERY time she went out into the public square she was a target. Her supporters knew this too and by showing up for her public events they might also be a target.

"Islamic clerics tried to get a court to bar her from running in elections. She was a bad Muslim, they said.
"Anyone who supports the Pakistan People's Party will not enter heaven," a Muslim cleric in Lahore, Abdul Qadir, told a Friday prayer congregation ahead of the October 1990 elections. "
Of course she was a "Bad Muslim"- all of her early education was done in Roman Catholic schools with names like, " Lady Jennings Nursery School" and then the Convent of Jesus and Mary in Karachi.[2] After two years of schooling at the Rawalpindi Presentation Convent, she was sent to the Jesus and Mary Convent at Murree.

I'm not saying Benazir was a Christian, but she defintiely didn't go to a Muslim school as a child.
Could that be because there was no such place for a little girl to go back in the stone ages of Pakistan? Might it be the only institution that would cater to teaching (worthless?) little girls was that of the Christian faith? Surely, in her early years, she was somewhat shaped by a religion of grace and forgiveness; and a belief system shared by many of the founding fathers of our country, a place of democracy. Unlike the most of the Muslim leaders in the middle east who see women as merely property...or less. (one islamic document I read referred to women simply as f*ckable C*nts )

Not much has changed I'm afraid...seems Pakistan is still in the stone ages, except where technology and nuclear weapons are concerend.

Here's my point though- back to the beginning of the post- Benazir knew she was a target...every day, in every public situation- she knew her life was at risk. Her father was killed, as well as 2 brothers. She was painfully aware that her stabs at democracy would most likely shorten her life- and she was right.

My question to the American people is this- "Are you aware that WE are a target too?" The same democracy Bhutto struggled to bring to her country is the same stuff we piddle away everyday. Everything from not paying attention to how much of your paycheck is eaten up in taxes, to not voting...weakens our country. We are too easily distracted...we long for it actually- (what else explains Paris Hilton?) and too comfortable to get our feathers ruffled over the idea that the next ring of gunshots- or bombs going off....might just be aimed at us.

Benazir knew a laser sight was always locked on her heart and her head.
Don't ignore the red beam when you see it pointed in our direction. And don't tell me that no body warned you...
We are a target too, and getting bigger every day.

Respect vs Reverence~

My thanks to Gary Zukov-and "Seat of the Soul"

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-"Reverence is an attitude of honoring life."

"Respect is a judgement."

I've lost respect for someone close to me- my father. I thought I was merely angry or disappointed in him, until I read the words above and realized it was my "respect" that was missing. And my "respect" is merely a judegement.

I'm exhausted from "judgements". I want little to do with the whole business of judging people or being judged by others. I'm weary of it, and from it.

This brings me to Reverence. I realize it's a divine thing.

Reverence is like the the ocean...and "respect" is a meager little float bobbing on the surface of the water. I've been holding on to this little tiny yellow float- thinking it had meaning and power...and all the while the greater thing keeps splashing me in the face.

The float keeps me from having to learn to swim the depths of reverence. The float, or "respect" has nothing to do with love, or grace, or divine power- it is merely human. It is an artifical placing of power. It is shallow. It is faulty.

Being Reverent allows me to see people differently. There is no need for respect in the eyes of a reverent person because they see everyone the same way...as living beings with the capacity for goodness and evil, power and corruption, love and apathy.

My father is still a person I must see with Reverence. Do you see the power of that?

I can accept him being a person as a being just like me- capable of many things- and let my "judgements" scatter like ashes on the water and disappear into the ocean of reverence.

My seeing my Dad with reverence does not negate the foolish or painful choices he's made, nor does it absolve him of his mistakes...what it does though...it absolves ME from carrying the unbearable weight of "judegement".

It's impossible to see the world with reverent eyes without the aid of forgiveness.

Today is a glorious new day. I've shed the heavy coat of sorrow I've been wearing- and sadly unaware that I even had it on until it slipped off. Much like the first 24 hours I ever used my asthma medication- I was absolutely stunned by how little I had been breathing in the weeks and months before.

Life can exist in the barest of margins... but it does not flourish there~ It flourishes in the Light, and in love...

Peace to you- all of you.

Shhhhh-

Silence affords us space to think.

It also gives us time.

Time expands into a bubble-
All of which will explode in a flash of glory...
or will die a slow death of exhalation.

Can I choose the explosion or the slow death???

I don't think so.


However- if I can choose-
then next time- I want the explosion...
I'm just saying.

Slow death is a raw deal- it really is :(