Sanctum Sanctorum

"Holy of holies" -or- "A very private place"

I've told one person about this blog...and I didn't give the address.
Not yet anyway~

We all need a private place.

When my kids were small- a private place seemed like an impossible dream.
They even mangaged to scribble in my journals. Nothing was sacred- nothing off limits.
Sticky finger prints on all the doorknobs, smudges on my clothes, marker drawings on the walls when I wasn't looking...my tupperware drawer was in a constant state of upheaval, and every corner of the house showed evidence of the little folks who lived there.

And, to be honest, I'm a good Mom...but a lousy housewife. I'd rather read a book to my kids, or make a project than do laundry or vaccume. It showed- and I don't apologize for that.
The work in the house always got done- but being available to my kids was at the top of my list...and having some amount of privacy really wasn't.

But it is now. Or being able to share What I want to share- with Who- When- or Where. Is this a sign of selfishness in my older age?
I don't suppose it really is.

Tonight I'm taking dinner for a family whose 33 year old daughter is fighting for her life due to a rare form of cancer. The daughter is so sick she's unable to handle visitors...even her own kids. She lays in dark room with tubes and monitors hooked up to her- with virtually no privacy at all- but totally alone with her thoughts.

I can imagine, to a degree, what she's thinking about...life, and death- especially death- as it looms large in her mind, lungs, and leg. Death, or the substance of it is present in her body. I can not, however, imagine how she copes with those thoughts, or with the hopes and dreams she had for the future that seem to be crashing down around her.

Death might lead us to a very private place- to the holiest of holies afterall. Are any of us ready for that? To go alone- into the unknown?

Suddenly I have the strongest urge to go hug my kids...