The back story~

39 years...
Wrapped up and tossed.
Thousands of moments-
Crumpled and lost.

Too many incidents-
Too much to forget,
Simply kill the Union,
Get past the regret.

He can live his life,
And she can live alone.
The kids are all grown ups
With homes of thier own.

And yet- there's the sting-
No more "Mom and Dad".
No longer a Unit...
And it just makes me sad.

Because I wanted to believe-
And I wanted them to make it,
But indeed there comes a time-
When 2 can no longer fake it.

A disolution of marriage,
Freedom from ties-
So many years vested~
Kiss them goodbye...


Yeah- I know this is sappy. I know, as a 38 year old woman, seeing my parents divorce is 1) no big surprise, and 2) maybe shouldn't sting quite as much as it does.
Yet- here I am.

Too many people close to the matter at hand read MV- and I simply can not write about this there. My mom and dad are fine with the arrangements they've made- but why is it hard for me? It scares me. I wish they had done this when they had been married less than 20 years, because the same problems I see now are the same problems they had then...and what does this say about me and my issues in marriage?

I know I am not my parents. I know I've made better choices because of their failures- so not all is lost, and yet- I've made some pretty big mistakes myself.

When my parents reached their 18 year anniversary- my mom was 36- dad 40, and they had 6 kids...the youngest was an infant. To be sure- that many kids only added to the problems my parents had. Much of the woe they experienced they brought on themselves. In one way- I almost see my mom using pregnancy and little ones as an excuse to avoid the problems she had with dad. Dad did nothing to fix the relationship either. Lots of kids gave the illusion of a happy family- and since he was the product of an alcoholic environment- keeping up "illusions" was the only way of life he ever knew.


How much of an illusion do I keep up?

This morning, in a Hardee's restaurant, I stood in line behind an elderly couple who were placing an order. The lady told the cashier what they wanted and the gentleman paid for breakfast. Their 2 little biscuits and coffee cost $3.79.

As he opened his wallet to take out his cash, he also pulled out a $50 bill in Mexican money (Pesos?) turned his head, and grinned at me. He said, "They won't take this stuff"- and I smiled and said, "No, I don't think they will". After he paid, he then turned to me and took out a bill that I didn't recognize. As he showed it to me he said- with an even bigger grin, "They won't take this either!" I asked him where it was from, and he said, "The Soviet Union".
I laughed and replied, "Well, you are just loaded! Aren't you?" He laughed too- and then shuffled off to follow his wife to their table. (Strangers often speak to me. I did not know this man or his wife, but I was not surprised by his friendliness. I think I appear "approachable"- particularly to older people. And little kids :)

I placed my order next. As I waited at the counter I turned around to watch the elderly couple, and I caught them at the exact moment they held hands, lowered their heads, and gave thanks for their food. Tears welled up in my eyes immediately. A thousand thoughts and feelings swept over me as I stood there. I don't know how it's possible for the human brain to process so many thoughts and feelings in such a tiny span of time, but it did.
In a matter of seconds I went from thinking about my chicken biscuit to getting weepy over a couple of old folks who were merely doing what they've probably done for 50 years or more.
It was beautiful.

Of course I wondered about their life. I kind of wanted to interview them. Actually though, that would have been a distraction for me, because what was at the root of my tears had nothing to do with the life they've led, and everything to do with my own.

I realized, with all my heart, I wanted an investment in another person that would pay out this kind of gold in my old age. I want the finished garment to be seamless. I want more than love, and passion, and adoration- I want *Nirvana. I want the finished product at the end of my life to be whole and unbroken- I want to be saturated and satisfied. I want the kind of bliss I saw this morning between 2 old people holding hands and giving thanks for their simple breakfast.

I think today, for the first time in my life, I saw the PRIZE. I saw it for what it really is. And I feel utterly inept in trying to describe it. Even now as I sit here typing -the tightness in my throat and the tears on my cheeks are all I have to express how I feel. It's pathetic. :)
So much for being a Writer. All I have to show for that title is a wet keyboard...
I'm sorry.

I was called away and didn't get to ask the couple any questions, but I didn't really need to. Sometimes the facts of a matter ding or tarnish the patina of feelings or sentiment.
I didn't want anything to spoil what I was thinking and feeling- so I am at peace about not having the history of their life. Although, if I ever see them again, I will ask :)

In one regard I feel I have a long way to go. On the other hand- I might only have today, or this year. I might only have my companion today, or this year.

I might only have YOU for today.

The Prize, exactly as I saw it this morning, may or may not be mine. I think the Prize is different things to different people, and yet the concept of it is probably universal. I can not describe exactly what it is, and yet I felt it with such force. I know what I saw, but can not convey the depth of what was truly there. Maybe one day, as this event brews in my head and in my heart, I will be able to. I hope so.

I'll be away for the next several days- the ocean is calling. Hope you all have a beautiful weekend :)

For Silence~

The silence gathers-
like darkness after sunset.
All is quiet,
like a tomb.
I waited too long-
He slipped away,
and I did too.

Goodbye friend-
I wave in the silence.
I whisper in the dark...
Take good care,
I miss you,

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