Similarity

The halls are empty-
Like a great big school during summer break-
It seems surreal that a place brimming with so much life could be so quiet.
Almost eerie. My footsteps echo clumsily ahead of me, and behind me.

I call out- but only my voice bounces around in the corners.
I am alone.
Abandoned in a way I never dreamed possible.
There's only me wandering around in this part of my heart.

The walls are covered in love notes-
Which look like graffiti to me now.
Or worse...they look like lies.
Or smudges I need to paint over.

All I see around me is in need of repair.
I gave away things I shouldn't have given away.
I let those words take precedent over my own.
A "friend" used this space- but left it without saying goodbye.

Wait...I see something in the corner...
It's moving~ ugh... A spider!

A spider has taken up residency in his place.
Seems fitting actually.

I'm not alone after all.
Make a web! Spider!
Make a trap- and guard my foolish heart.
I'm not smart enough yet to know how.

Teach me spider.
Since it's just you and I in here...
In the Great hall of my heart.

But she does not speak- she just spins her web.

Telling a story~

So unsure-
Of how I fit in...
Sister, mother, lover, friend-
Where do you start?
Where do I end?

Bliss here- an ache there-
Troubled thougths,
beneath long hair...
Blue eyes hide-
deep pain resides-
Questions with few answers.

Life's ahead- full steam...
"Forge"
Do I mean motion?
Or do I mean sword?
Progress or a beating?
It's hard to tell-

Too many words said?
Or were there too few?
I once thought I understood-
Now, I don't think I do.

I'm lost- and yet I know-
Where I am "dear",
Next to the little arrow that reads,
"You are here!"
Everything is clear as mud :(

Today I wrote in a private place-
"There is balance in my singularity",
And then try as I might...to feel guilty...
I could not.
The truth was simple, it had no strings attached.

But "sigh"- there are strings galore in life,
And simplicity is rare.
I over complicate everything~
Reason, sort, compare.
Sometimes "silence is just silence."?
perhaps...

I wonder, my friends,
What you might see between these lines.
And of my "laugh lines" too?
Lines with and without words...
They both tell a story.

I sprained my wrist...every word HURTS.
But that is a story for another time-
This late hour blurrs the mind.
My mind that is.
The little mind that wonders:

So unsure-
Of how I fit in...
Sister, mother, lover, friend-
Where do you start?
Where do I end?

Public or Private?

If you write something out here- on a blog- it's Public.

If you write something at home in a journal- it's Private.

You can't write something on a blog and say "This is just for me"- there's no logic in that statement. It's impossible for your writing to be for you and you alone when you broadcast it to the world. You might as well be stepping out in a big pink evening gown on the Red carpet and shouting to the photographers "I dressed for me! Don't look!"

Pshhhhh!

He says it's just for him...but he knows I will read it.

He an isolationist- who knows how to reach out and grab you...

but he does not care how long you sit outside waiting for him.

I once described him as a hermit.

A hermit I came to love.

A hermit who has hurt me repeatedly with his silence...

And yet- I know this is exactly what a hermit does.

He's not to blame for my ache- I am.

The thing though- the thing that gets me...is that I saw all of him once.

He even let me hold him...unguarded and vulnerable- and I will never

have that again.

But every now and then, he pokes out his head to let me see part of what I can not
have...and then taunts me with his words- "This is for me...and me alone. Not you!"

Why- sigh- why?

I'm not very complicated. I wanted to be loved- and to give love. I wanted the tingle. I wanted him. He said he loved me too...and he wanted me- but only on his terms?

I'll be honest here- I have a journal for private things I don't want the world to read. I have volumns of books with hundreds of thousands of my own words- penned by my own hand- for my eyes only. If I write something out here- it's public, not private.

When YOU write something out here- it's PUBLIC- not private.

but you already know that...

It's why you write the way you do-
You know I will see it...because you want me to. It's not just for you...it never was.